On July 9th 2010 I held my newborn son for the first time. He never cried or looked into my eyes. He was unable to grab Daddy's hand. No breath came from his under-developed lungs; and no heartbeat from his premature chest.
My son looked perfect in every way! He had all of his fingers and toes. He had his mother's nose and I swear that I saw a dimple in his right cheek! I bet he even had my blue eyes. Oh how I wish I could have seen them look up at me.
I Hurt these days when I think about my little Connor. I hurt for his mother, when I think about the boy she never nursed. I don't cry much at all though. I just hurt.
Grief is a weird thing. I am very unfamiliar with what is natural and what is abnormal. My appetite is less than before. My stomach often knots for no reason. Little hand-prints on windows make my heart skip a beat.
My fiance' hurts too. She does cry. She cries a lot. I don't know how to comfort her. I am unsure of everything now days. I don't know what life is coming to. It seams like my world stopped; or at least slowed drastically.
Why do people continue to be so sure!?!? Why must everyone know exactly where my son is, and why he is there? Why isn't he here? That's what I want to know. No one seems to know that answer though. They tell me to ask God.
I asked God to let me keep him! He didn't! I asked God not to Take Kristen too. He listened to that. Thank God that he didn't want her yet. I just don't know if he'll ever tell me why.
Why?!!!!!?!!!!? I ask that question a lot. I ask it mostly to myself. Why did I argue with Kristen the night before she went into labor 104 days too soon? Why did I not show her more undivided attention? Why was it so damned hard for me to find time to rub her feet and back; or feel Connor kick?
My two other kids help me feel better. My living son is full of love and energy. Most 4-going on 13 year old kids are. My daughters loving caring embraces know no bounds. She warms my heart with every "Wuv ew Daddy!" My kids are my saving grace in times of sadness.
My writing is all over they place, but I suppose that it then is a perfect illustration of my thoughts and feelings. I cannot seem to collect them in any particular order, or rational place. I returned to work 24 hrs after burying Connor. It didn't seem real. It all seemed unwelcoming and fake.
My co-workers took up a collection for me, and signed a card. They all tried to wish me condolences. It was nice of them, but it didn't really help at all.
Kristen and I fight now. We are both so mad! We love each other, but are both so hurt, that we continue to try to handle this alone. We really shouldn't do that. It just makes it all worse. I don't think we really are mad at each other, but we recognize that we can both forgive each other more than a stranger would forgive us for snapping at them.
I am lost, but I am here at the same time. I disagree with the lack of immigration reform, and I am upset about the job market. I worry about my son being to smart for his own age. I worry that my daughter is too friendly with strangers. I wonder if my simple religion and relationship with God will sustain my worldly desires and keep me on track. I want to be married to Kristen, but wonder if I can afford to give her what she deserves. My clutch is going out on my car, and I need the car to get to work. I have so much to worry about, yet Connor consumes my thoughts, and fills my heart.
Will I ever be back on track? I know that I will never be entirely the same. Will I ever just slide back into the stream of things? I don't know what life is coming to? I just know I miss my baby boy!
